What fresh hell is Netflix’s new dating show, Sexy Beasts?

Australia loves a good dating show. Whether Sexy Beasts can be classified as ‘good’ remains to be seen.

A mouse, a devil, a baboon, and a statue walk into a bar. No, it’s not the setup for a weak joke but the premise of Netflix’s dating show Sexy Beasts. Now that you mention it, maybe it is a weak joke.

Sickos of Australia, this is what we get after devouring Married at First Sight, Beauty and the Geek, and Too Hot To Handle. This is it; we’ve hit rock bottom.

A group of cis-gender, hetero and horny 20-somethings with monstrous latex masks get sent on dates, trying to forge meaningful connections without the ‘distraction’ of looks. How very deep!

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Each episode begins with three suitors and their potential match. There’s a round of speed dating, after which one suitor is eliminated and then remerges without their disguise to reveal they’re not some hideous troll but, in fact, a hot surfer dude from California.

Two more dates follow where the contestants get to know each other more intimately and one-on-one. Sometimes, clumsy make-out sessions ensue. The dater and suitor must navigate all sorts of ornate facial accessories like feathers and 10cm long noses, smearing face paint on each other and pushing prosthetics out of the way. Oustanding television.

One of the two suitors is chosen as the ‘winner’ and then everyone is returned to human form.

I get where the creators of the show were trying to do. ‘Looks don’t matter! Personality is more important!’ but when the most common occupation on Sexy Beasts is model, that message dissolves pretty quickly in an explosion of feathers and fur.

They’re all conventionally hot, sexy young things who, while they attest they’re more interested in what’s on the inside, show visible signs of relief when their chosen person isn’t an ogre.

What message is that sending, really? Are those society deems attractive the only ones worthy of love in this world? According to predictable reality TV tropes, the answer is yes.

The show’s only saving grace—and I really do mean only—is the horrifying make-out sessions. And that, dear friends, sets a very low bar indeed. In case you’re wondering, Decider dove into whether any of the couples are together, and, spoiler alert, it’s a resounding ‘no’ with regards to most of them. I could’ve done the research myself but I really don’t care enough about any of these people to do so, so thank you, Decider.

Sexy Beasts is streaming on Netflix now.