‘I’m still not over my husband’s affair years later’
From broken vows to other vexing issues of a personal nature, reader questions are answered by clinical psychologist Jo Lamble.
Early in our marriage my husband owned up to a one-night stand. We had two small children, so we decided to work on repairing our marriage.
Then I found out he and the “one-night stand” actually had other sporadic encounters. I was devastated.
But our children’s happiness was paramount, so we marched forward.
It was so long ago, but my hurt and anger are now coming out and I find myself making vile comments. I didn’t walk back then and I won’t do it now.
He says there isn’t a day he doesn’t regret what he did, but I don’t hear him say how much he regrets the situation he put me in. How do I get myself back on track?
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Everything that has happened to us is still in our memory. All it takes is a trigger and all the associated thoughts and feelings can come rushing back in.
You went through two significant shocks. The first was finding out about the one-night stand and the second was learning that the affair continued. It must have felt like two separate betrayals bundled together.
I can totally understand why you stayed, and why your hurt and anger have remained under the surface.
Unfortunately, you need to ride out this wave of pain. Hopefully your husband can recognise the wound beneath your vile comments. I’m glad to hear that he regrets what he did, but it sounds like you need some further validation about how hard it’s been for you.
Many people who hurt their partner deeply regret what they’ve done but fall short in showing understanding for how heartbreaking the consequences can be.
He no doubt wants to put everything behind you both and move on. But you clearly need some more support to ride through this current wave of hurt.
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