Lost your sex mojo in the pandemic? 5 lessons all couples should learn
We’re living in extraordinary times, so it’s completely natural for every aspect of life to not feel ‘normal’. Sex coach Georgia Grace says for couples who’ve lost their mojo, there are ways to get it back.
COVID-19 has had a huge impact on relationships, both positively and negatively. Some people and couples are doing really well; thriving with the time and space to finally enjoy each other, eat meals together, have a quickie at lunch or enjoying the slowness – using the stay-at-home orders as an opportunity to connect or reconnect. But for the others, it hasn’t been so sweet.
If you’ve been finding it tricky navigating your relationship in lockdown, you’re not alone. The past few months have not been particularly passion inducing: the pandemic isn’t just threatening our physical health, but also our emotional, psychological and sexual health.
And while everyone’s circumstances are different – some living with family or children, some with roomies, some couples living apart from each other – we’re all having to find new ways to make it work, which is why it’s pretty common for couples to be struggling.
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#1. It’s normal for your libido ebb and flow
With all the financial, emotional, psychological and overall stress humans are feeling right now, it can have a huge impact on desire and libido. When you’re stressed, your body goes into fight or flight response. These responses also trigger the release of hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine and when you’re chronically stressed, your body uses sex hormones to meet the increased demands for higher cortisol production, decreasing your sex drive.
Other aspects that may be contributing to lack of desire:
- Sex isn’t front of mind, you feel like you have touch overload and just want some alone time.
- You don’t feel sensual.
- You’re seeing too much of your partner and want space instead of sex, etc.
#2. Don’t sweep the issues under the rug
So many couples have become aware of the challenges they haven’t had the time, space, or energy to work through together. Now, with all this time spent together at home, it’s front of mind and it’s important to address those issues.
The pandemic is such an unusual, extraordinary experience for all of us so if you need more support, like professional advice, exercise, mindfulness practices, or just time and space from your partner, talk it over with each other.
Online couples courses (like mine, check out Modern Sex in Partnership with Lovehoney) can make relationship coaching accessible from the comfort and privacy of your own home, helping you develop useful, effective skills to co-create a fulfilling relationship together.
#3. Don’t be afraid to schedule it in
Figure out what you want and need. If you want a massage, ask for it. If you need space, allow for each other to have space and time alone. If you want to schedule sex, get your diaries out and book it in. If you need emotional support, be there for each other as best you can. If it’s physical pleasure and intimacy, do what you can to invite play, creativity and joy into your lives. I like to think of lockdown as the longest, most drawn-out and collective experience of foreplay.
#4. Distance need not be an obstacle
For those not isolating together, they are longing for the time they can be around their lover to hug, kiss, and touch again. If you can’t be with your partner, technology is your friend! Toys play a vital role in pleasurable sex, and they can really help when physical intimacy is tricky. There are some incredible apps around that allow you and your partner to sync your toys and control each other’s vibrations, no matter how far apart you are.
#5. We’re all learning
You have to learn to be a good lover. The biggest misconception is that many people think good sex comes naturally. But this isn’t the case. In fact, it takes intentional time and practice to learn how to have good sex with your partner. You can make the most of isolation by dedicating time and practice to really good sex. Now that’s what I call productive.
Georgia Grace is a Sydney-based intimacy coach and a certified sex coach.