Why do we keep going back to our exes like Bachelorette Becky Miles and runner-up Adrian Baena?
Bachelorette runner-up Adrian Baena has confirmed he and Becky Miles tried to make things work after she was dumped by winner Pete Mann. Here, psychologist and relationship expert Briony Leo explains why a lot of people feel the need to get back together with an ex.
Not long after (three days to be exact) Bachelorette Becky Miles confessed her love for Pete Mann, she was dumped. Over. FaceTime.
The couple spent the days after the finale together before Pete returned home to Adelaide and Becky to Newcastle.
And this was when things “sunk in” for Pete, who told Becky he had doubts during filming the hometown visits but “wanted to give it a go”.
“I was willing to move, I would have been open to moving, (but) he said it just became more real then, he just didn’t think there was a spark there,” the 30-year-old told radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O.
“We had some time together, we had our three days together, that was really lovely.”
She continued: “We left that time saying we were really going to miss each other, but said we were going to catch up over FaceTime.
“When he got home to Adelaide, about three days later we had a FaceTime and he said ‘Look I’m sorry I just can’t do it’.”
Becky took to the official The Bachelorette Australia Instagram account, writing “We came into this experience wanting a fairy tale ending for the two of us, and while I am thrilled that Elly found her person in Frazer, unfortunately things didn’t work out with Pete and me.
“Although I wasn’t lucky enough to find my person this time around, I am grateful for this opportunity and leave with fond memories and no regrets.
“I wish Pete happiness and all the best in his search for love.”
Pete also addressed the split on his own social media page.
“I came on this show to follow my heart and find love but unfortunately in the end true love was not meant to be,” he wrote.
“Becky is a wonderful woman and I wish her nothing but happiness in life and love. It is truly what she deserves.”
Now, less than week after the finale aired, and there’s been confirmation Becky pulled a Blake Garvey by hitting up runner-up Adrian Baena after being dumped.
“After the show, Becky called me up. She was crying and that. She said what happened between her and Pete,” Adrian said in a video he posted on Instagram.
“Me and Becky, we kept in contact. Then we decided what the heck, let’s meet up, let’s see what happens. I went in with an open mind. What did I have to lose, nothing.”
The 26-year-old then went on to explain that he realised the “special’ feeling between him and Becky just wasn’t there anymore, plus he knows he wants to be someone’s first choice – not sloppy seconds.
“I don’t want to be someone’s second choice. I know who I am and I know what I deserve. To me I am a ten, and I deserve that, and I want to be someone’s first choice.”
Why do we keep going back to our ex?
It’s obvious Becky still had feelings for Adrian since they didn’t end things on bad terms – and that feeling of wanting to get back with an ex is something a lot of people can relate to. But why is this the case?
“Often in relationships there can be ‘unfinished business’, and something can end before its time,” psychologist and relationship expert Briony Leo tells Body+Soul.
Which in the case of Becky and Adrian, they didn’t even get the chance to make a relationship happen.
“Especially if we are fighting or unhappy, we might end a relationship to escape the drama. But with hindsight, we might regret this decision and want to try again.”
And as for those toxic relationships we seem to keep on going back to when we – and all our friends and family – know all too well they won’t work out?
“Unfortunately, it might be the emotionally intense and drama-filled relationships that we keep going back to, since it can feel like there is a lot of emotional intensity and connection, even if it is not a good match.”
Leo adds: “We can tend to ‘miss’ the good parts of a relationship – the companionship, the intimacy, and the identity as a couple – and this can obscure the reasons that the breakup happened in the first place.”
But contrary to popular opinion, getting back with an ex can prove successful for some.
“On a more positive note, sometimes we can go back to exes because we have both changed and grown, and the relationship now works due to new ways of doing things and having matured,” Leo explains.
If you are – or ever find yourself – considering getting back with an ex, it’s important you take the time to think about your needs, consider the situation and consequences, and ask yourself a few questions before jumping into things.
“It can be really useful to ask yourself ‘what is different this time?’ and ‘why did we break up in the first place?’ If there is evidence of major change on both sides, and growth and maturity, then it might be the right decision,” Leo says.
“If you answers are ‘because I’m lonely’ or ‘I miss being in a relationship’, it might be a better idea to rethink things or take some space. A bad decision can result in a lot of pain on both sides, another painful breakup, and a sense of having wasted time and energy.”
Remember, “it’s really normal to miss someone when you break up, but this is not a good enough reason to get back together.”
Obviously the whole rebound relationship didn’t work out between Becky and Adrian, but Adrian confirmed the pair are still good friends and their relationship remains platonic.
“With me and Becky now, we are super close, and I said let’s just be friends. We can be great friends. Who knows what the future holds, but right now I don’t see her as anything else than a friend,” he said.
And he also had some wise words of advice for winner Pete Mann.
“He pretty much called her up after three days and said I’m not feeling it. Message to Petey, bro, I think it was a dog act. I think Becky deserves so much better than that. It was a bit of a shit go, bro.”
Adrian, you are a legend. Can we be friends, too?
Briony Leo is an Australian psychologist, currently based in New York City, with specialist training in EMDR, neurofeedback, schema therapy and ACT therapy. You can find her online here.